Never Can Say Good-bye

Looking at an old friend’s profile on Facebook, the caption under the picture read “Grade 8 Camping Trip’.  An innocent enough thought floated across my mind.  “I don’t remember that trip”.   And then, it hit me.  I was long gone by the time this picture was taken. And I cried – very unexpectedly – my heart broke and I cried into my hands because I missed the Grade 8 camping trip.

While my best friends, Cheryl and Anna and Harriet (not pictured) were off eating smores and enjoying the final days of middle school – I was far, far way.  In the life of an eleven year old – the ten miles between sleepy, rural, Queenston and the gritty border town of  Niagara Falls, was impassable.

On a recent road trip to Ikea with my mother, I asked her “Did I say good-bye to my friends when we left?”  She couldn’t remember and felt immediately guilty.  Just another thing to feel bad about. I reminded her that she had a lot on her plate at the time. This was no ‘Daddy’s got a new job’ departure with smiling friends waving away the moving truck.  No.  This was a somewhat stealth operation with neighbours peering from behind curtains muttering things like “thank god she’s getting out before he kills her” kind of move.

My mother tells me that we didn’t sneak away. She says the move was planned and discussed and there would have been plenty of time to say good-bye. But I don’t remember it that way.   Or, perhaps, it’s more honest to say — it didn’t feel that way at the time. After years of wishing and hoping – it all just seemed to happen so fast. The truck came while he was at work and by the end of the day we were gone – with exactly one half of the furniture.

I do recall an awkward moment at recess when I had to tell my friends I was leaving….and part of me wanted to pour out the whole horrible story but where do you start after so many years of not talking.  So, I just blurted out something civilized that I’d heard on a Sunday night movie.  “My parents are getting a divorce”.  And I started to cry. They thought I was crying about my parents getting a divorce which was the only thing I was actually happy about.  I was crying because I had to leave them and I was crying for all the things I never told them.  I was crying with relief.

Our new life as single mother and three kids was a hard-won battle to get from the frying pan into the fire.  In the blink of an eye, I was swept away from the radiant innocence of my best country girl friends and our school newspaper, carnival dates and awe at the notion of french kissing.  I landed in a concrete world of city girls with their sharp edges and empty eyes, all cigarettes and sex and swearing.  Predators everywhere.  I turned myself into a tough girl and there was no going back.  I did not go camping in Grade 8.

I never did get any better at saying good-bye.  This was the beginning of simply walking out of one phase of life and into another without so much as a backward glance.  I have many an old friend or lover that could testify to that. Until just weeks ago, I had not one single connection in my life from before the age of 21. Family doesn’t count because they follow me everywhere I go. I’m the one that sneaks out of parties.

If I could go back in time – I would say a proper good-bye to Harriet and Anna and especially to Cheryl.  I would tell them what great friends they were. And we would  swear a blood oath to to meet somewhere exotic like New York or Los Angeles  for tea and cakes when we were really, really old….like 40.

When Everything Feels Just Right – It’s Time To Move On

Friday night yoga class has a special place in my heart.

When Haribhajan and I were courting, we went to a class almost every Friday night at Yoga West in Vancouver when it was on Alma Street. After class we would fold ourselves into the little red Honda civic I was driving at the time. Then, we would fight. I don’t mean tense words and lack of eye contact. I mean we would explode in conflict – shouting over each other, hands waving. It’s a miracle we never crashed.

Those classes were working on us – changing our lives in ways we could never imagine. Our egos were freaking out. But, every week we went back because we loved Kundalini Yoga.

Then we moved in together. I became a teacher. Haribhajan became a teacher. We got married. In a few years, Haribhajan would be teaching that same Friday night class – now at the new Yoga West on 4th Avenue. His classes were packed and the energy was incredible. It was a sweet, sweet full circle.

Everything was going great. We’d made it over the first seven-year hurdle of our relationship. I loved my job. I was close to my beautiful nephew Taigan – the closest thing to having a child for me in this life time. Haribhajan’s business was starting to take off. We were part of a huge, wacky, loving (sometimes frustrating) tribe of Kundalini Yogis.

And when everything feels just right – it’s usually time to go. Yogi Bhajan (the Master of Kundalini Yoga) used to tell couples to uproot their lives and go to some crazy location like Italy or Alaska and start teaching Kundalini Yoga. He’s no longer walking this earth in physical form – but he is still giving the orders.

So, we left everything and set out to find the community in BC that was calling out for Kundalini Yoga. Within 30 minutes of arriving in Penticton – it was clear. We had no jobs, no money and not a single contact in the area. It was time to start building from scratch.

And so, Haribhajan started to teach. For months and month, we’ve patiently waited for the classes to show signs of “taking off”. We’ve sacrificed a lot. I missed my job, my family and we miss our tribe. Unless you have a tribe – you won’t know how lonely that can feel.

I wanted and needed things to take off quickly. I wanted proof that we made the right choice. When you leave everything behind – you have to forgive yourself for wanting signs that this wasn’t some crazy mistake.  On more than one occasion we’ve asked ourselves “why did we do this again?”.

But, last night something shifted. We gathered at the beautiful Re:flexions Studio for Friday night yoga. There were only seven of us but the room felt like it was bursting. For the first time – instead of sounding like a bunch of stray cats — our voices sounded clear and strong and merged as we tuned in with Ong Namo Guru Dev Namo.

The sweet sounds of the Shabd Guru played. Hearts opened and my mind perceived what the room was full of – gratitude. They were drinking in the experience like a thirsty bird receives the drops of rain after a long drought. They were being changed – as I had been changed. I felt like I would weep with relief that we had made the right choice.

We came to serve and it matters and it’s needed. And so, to my tribe, I ask you to ask yourself this question. Am I where I’m supposed to be? This world is full of communities with no Kundalini Yoga – students with no teacher. Time is of the essence now. There are many ways to shift the consciousness – but this is our way.  This ride called life is about to get really wild –make sure you’re at your post when it does.

Insomnia – Who’s Laughing Now

Those of you too tired to read the introduction — proceed directly to the last paragraph.

I stopped worrying about ‘beauty sleep’ a long time ago.  After a couple years of chronic and extreme insomnia, ’sanity sleep’ is more like it. There are two types of people in the world: those that have faced down the dragon of insomnia and those who have not.  I’m not talking about the occasional rough night. I’m talking about a serious lack of sleep.  You know who you are.

Let’s be clear.  I’ve made ALL the lifestyle changes to support healthy sleep.  I’m not going to list them all — because you already know them — because you’ve probably done them too!  I’ve also taken melatonin and valerian (no result to speak of) and GABA (some result). I meditate, exercise and everything else.  And, while it’s true that each and every change I’ve made as a result of insomnia has improved my quality of life — I still wasn’t sleeping.  And while I work really hard not to let my mind dwell on it, I knew that ultimately it would take precious years off my life.

So let’s cut to the chase.  It started with a casual comment by a naturopathic doctor that I work closely with. You see, I’ve been taking this incredible natural product for about three months and the results have been amazing.  I’ve been blown away, and, while it was improving the quality of my sleep – it still wasn’t quite right.

He said “some people find that this product makes them sleepy”.  Ding!!  Say again.  The product I’d been taking for three months has a sister product that is very similar but it has a few unique ingredients added to it. He said “because it naturally increases melatonin levels, some people find they get sleepy so it doesn’t work for them”. That was enough for me.

So I tried it.  OK, seriously now people. From the first day I took this product I slept like the dead (in a good way). My dreams exploded. I was sleeping about ten hours a night.  Now, having been sleep deprived for a long time, the first week I was very tired. My body was just not used to living without the stress hormones created by and caused by insomnia.  Now, my sleep has balanced out to 7-8 hours and no tiredness during the day.

I wanted to tell everyone but I didn’t. I wanted to make sure it lasted. It’s been one month of perfect sleep. I fall asleep within minutes of my head hitting the pillow. I wake up at 5am ready for yoga and meditation. And as I write this, I can feel the gremlin of superstition rearing its homely head trying to scare me with “jinx, jinx”.

But, I have to share this information. I owe it to my bleary – eyed brethren. Will it work for you? I can’t say. Is it worth a try? I truly believe it is.   It’s called Xperia. Don’t bother looking for it in a store.  Contact me and I’ll give you all the information you need to check it out.  They have a great money-back guarantee – a real one — that actually works.

Sweet dreams.

Sugar, Sugar

I love sweet things. One of my favourite sweet things is Pamela’s Chunky Chocolate Cookie Mix – hot from the oven. If it weren’t for Pamela, my diet would be virtually sugar-free. The problem is, sugar wreaks havoc on my body. It pretty much wreaks havoc on everyone’s body but some of us are more sensitive than others. Due to a childhood diet that included Captain Crunch, Wagon Wheels and Wonder Bread, I developed hypoglycemia at a very young age. My days were spent riding the roller coaster of blood-sugar highs and lows. I’ve been trying to get off that ride all my life.

Ten years ago, I was getting sick a lot and decided to get myself checked for food sensitivities. I was told that I had an amazing ability to metabolize nearly every food, except one. Sugar. I quit cold turkey and experienced amazing health for years. Then I “forgot”.

Five years ago I was getting sick a lot and decided to see a Traditional Chinese Doctor. She was very old and spoke very little English. She gestured for me to stick out my tongue. I didn’t really understand most of what she was saying except she wagged her finger at me and said “No Sugar”.  I quit cold turkey and experienced amazing health for years. Then I “forgot”.

This winter I’ve had a lot of colds. Instead of going to another practitioner, I’ve decided to remember that sugar is really hard on my body and break-up with Pamela. We just can’t keep seeing each other like this. But, because I also know that joy IS an aspect of wellness,  I may call her up for an occasional one-night stand.

To learn what sugar is doing to your face visit my new blog Wake Up To Wellness.

2008 – Year of Hair Straight Back

Will 2008 be remembered as the year of fun and adventure or the year of exhaustion and overwhelm?  Only time will tell.

It seems like just yesterday that Haribhajan and I grabbed one last piece of Chocolate Banana Cream pie from Aphrodite and hit the road for places uncertain.

Here are a few highlights and changes that 2008 brought me:

Driving (well, Haribhajan was driving) in the dark through a huge blizzard on the Coquihalla with all of our belongings in a moving truck and thinking that it would be just like me to die in such a tidy and considerate way as to take every single possession with me leaving not one loose end or even change of address to be dealt with by those left behind.

Catching our breath at Evin’s place in Coldstream – enjoying the view, the park and the company.

Remember how it rained constantly in May and most of June? We were camping.
Nevertheless, we were smart enough to be on a Hot Springs Tour (Ainsworth, Halcyon, Nakusp, Radium, Lussier)….amazing and highly recommended. People, you cannot live your whole lives in BC and not leave Vancouver!!

Realizing how living in Vancouver somehow retards one’s ability to understand what cities and towns lie beyond New Westminster.

Finding myself talking to people – everyone – everywhere – all the time. I burst out of my urban anonymity bubble and became downright friendly.

Road trip to New Mexico for Summer Solstice and White Tantric Yoga – more Hot Springs (Lava Springs, Idaho and Pagosa Springs, Colorado).

Going on a honeymoon with our newlywed friends – Hari Prakash and Paul. Buying them a Sarah Lee frozen grocery store wedding cake to replace the one that melted in the New Mexico heat. Taking photos of them eating their wedding cake in a campground.

Living outdoors week after week and getting healthier and healthier with each passing day.

Crying when we finally had to give in and move indoors.

Going to Ontario for a family reunion – utterly eating up my favorite childhood theme park with my nephews until they kicked us out at closing time – watching Nana dance at her 90th birthday party.

Living in a bachelor apartment with Hari Bhajan (lover of personal space and alone time) and finding that we both adapted easily.   Running out of said apartment in the semi-desert heat of September and jumping into the crystal clear waters of Okanagan Lake right outside our front door.

Receiving a warm welcome from everyone in Penticton and delighting in watching people discover and fall in love with Kundalini Yoga.

Being visited by Rama and Bachan and realizing how much I was missing friends.

Finding the best natural health product on the planet and seeing it change our lives (and people around me) in a way I didn’t think was possible.

Making even bigger plans for 2009.

Peace, love and light to everyone out there in our beloved connection of family, friends and the tribe of Kundalini Yogis.  All the best to you and yours for a prosperous, peaceful and adventurous 2009.

Follow Your Bliss or Face Your Fears?

Did she feel fear?

‘Follow Your Bliss’ is the prime directive of some of our most beloved and respected teachers on the planet right now.  The teaching can be boiled down to the following – ‘if it feels bad, don’t do it’.  The goal is to use our feelings as a guidance system.  If we are feeling negative emotions (fear, sadness, anger) then we are heading in the wrong direction. You are to pursue only that which feels good – or at least makes you feel better.

There is however, another teaching that is worthy of our consideration.  Face Your Fears.  I recently attended a three-day intensive seminar that was specifically designed to bring our fears out into the light and kick our asses until we were ready to break through them.  And, we weren’t dealing with any little fears of spiders and heights. We were dealing with the biggest of the big: fears around money and fears around failure.

Was it comfortable? No. It was at times HIGHLY uncomfortable. There were moments that my mind was screaming ‘this is bullshit’.  I was being dragged kicking and screaming out of my comfort zone.  My mind was producing all kinds of negative thoughts (and their resulting feelings) to try to get me to stay in that comfort zone.

I faced my fears and left a different person.  Had I insisted on gauging every experience by the Bliss Test – I would not have made it through the weekend.

And so, I asked myself this question – Is it Follow Your Bliss or Face Your Fear?

The answer is, of course, both.

There is a very powerful guardian standing between you and your bliss. It’s called the ego.  The ego doesn’t want anything to do with bliss. Mine wants a steady paycheck and nice comfortable routine.  Mine likes to pay bills on time and clean the house.

Some lucky souls might just fall into their bliss with the greatest of ease. Others of us have to fight for our bliss. That means being willing to face a few fears and shed a few tears.

So the next time you feel fear – consider this. If you’re not feeling some fear…it’s probably not worth doing.
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ps.

If you would like to attend the same intensive three-day seminar for a cost of next to nothing (honestly) click here for more information. If you indicate some interest I will email you more information and I’ll happily answer any of your questions.

Seminars are happening in Ft Lauderdale, Salt Lake, San Fran, Chicago, Montreal, Toronto and Denver soon.

Letting Go As A Spiritual Practice

There’s no way around it. Life is a constant flow of beginnings and endings.  We humans have a way of welcoming and celebrating beginnings: births, getting the job, getting the man, buying the home.  Graduations aside, we have a much lower opinion of endings: death, divorce, being fired.

We find something and we feel blessed. We lose something, we feel cursed. We try to clear the clutter and find our new mantra is “I might need that some day”.   We stubbornly cling to people, things and stories that no longer serve us.

Begin to think of letting go and saying good-bye as a spiritual practice. When you clean a closet and fill boxes for the thrift store – you are practicing the fine art of conscious dying.  Be aware of your feelings as you release roles, objects and relationships that have defined you. You are becoming fearless and showing the Universe that you trust.

Yogic teaching tells us that all our spiritual practice in life is to give us one chance at a conscious death.  Gandhi died as he lived. In the face of his assassin, with no time whatsoever to think, uttered Hey Ram as he was being shot.  In doing so, he blessed his killer with forgiveness and himself with the conscious death he had prepared for all his life. **

“To die is an art. Everything on this planet, every act is done so that dying may be graceful. All knowledge of spirituality is to mend one thing only – that when we die, we die in grace, without fear, without vengeance, without desire. We should just love to die, that moment…at that moment, everything is decided.”

Yogi Bhajan

**To this day there is politically motivated argument over Gandhi’s last words – leaving us to decide what is likely, given his life.

Get Back Out There And Vote!

There are a lot of disappointed progressive voters out there after yesterday’s  election to nowhere.   $300 million dollars spent to keep things exactly as they are. Ho-hum. It’s so Canadian – I’m almost embarrassed.

It was the lowest voter turnout in a long, long time.  Maybe we should just get it over with and allow Canadians to put their X beside the word WHATEVER.  It might actually increase the voter turnout.

This entire thing was engineered to produce this exact result. The election was called while everyone was either at the cottage or deeply engrossed in the US national party conventions.  We barely caught our breath from getting the kids back to school and it was Thanksgiving weekend.  Come election day, most Canadians still stoned on tryptohan and barely made it back to work, much less to a polling station.

The Conservatives are safe for another four years.  They are safe from Canadian voters being swept up in a frenzy of hope and optimism after November’s US election. They are safe from the cries of Uncle Sam’s whiny baby brother screaming “we want an Obama too…why can’t we have an Obama…why do they get to have all the fun toys”.

So what now? It would be easy to fall into despair and think that we have to wait around for another change in 2012. That’s exactly what they want you to do. They want you to believe that government changes the world. “Oh well, I guess we’ll just go back to sleep for another four years.” Nothing could be further from the truth.  Today, things change so fast that government is usually out of breath, running to catch up to realities that are already well established in the marketplace, on the Internet and in our lives.

Government is not a change maker – you are!  The most powerful vote you have is how you spend your money. Don’t be disappointed that the Green Party didn’t elect a single representative to the House. No. Decide today that you are going to vote green with your money.  Every time a dollar leaves your hand you are making a powerful statement about how you want this world to be. Do you want it to organic or toxic? Do you want it to renewable or a wasteland? Do you want global human rights or an exploited labour market? Where are your mutual funds and RRSPs? Move them to ethical funds and make a powerful statement about whether you, literally, want windmills or wars.

Casting a ballot is important – no doubt. But let’s not allow the democratic process to lull us into lazy acceptance of the status quo. Let’s take stock of how we spend our money and get the satisfaction of voting everyday.

The Construct of Wealth: Swimmin’ Pools, Movie Stars

In the Western world, being prosperous is literally synonymous with a big house and fancy car – or better yet, several. Being rich is defined by the amount of consumer goods you can purchase.  It’s the STUFF of wealth.

This is the construct of wealth in North America. Everyone knows the construct of wealth, down to the finest detail, even if they’ve never thought about it.   Movies, TV and magazines saturate our psyches, day and night, with images of the rich and famous.

But what if you don’t want a swimmin’ pool or care if your neighbours are movie stars?  What if you think Park Avenue is just busy, noisy and dirty?

Where is the motivation to strike your own Black Gold if you don’t even want the stuff that goes along with it?  How can you manifest if there is no desire?

For some wealth avoiders, I believe this is the prime reason for getting stuck in scarcity-ville. There is no genuine desire for the rich lifestyle so there is a subconscious rejection of wealth.

So what do you do? Get very clear on what wealth means to you.  Write it down. What WOULD you do with a million dollars or more? Reflect on your true values. Don’t just reach for pat answers like I’d travel the world and buy a Ferrari.  What would truly bring you the deepest satisfaction in this life?

You must know what YOUR wealthy life would look like. The Universe is very intelligent and it knows if you are not fully aligned. True desire must be present for you to attract so GET REAL about why you want to be wealthy and then GET READY to receive.

Feng Shui Prosperity Tip #1

I just cleaned my stove and oven inside and out while listening to The Secret and repeating the affirmation “I am a clear channel for wealth and prosperity.” about a thousand times.  I felt practically high by the time I was done – and I don’t use toxic cleaners so it wasn’t a chemical high. If you think that’s silly – reflect for a moment on where your mind would wander to if left unchecked for an hour while you clean the stove. Would your thoughts have been ‘quality’ thoughts or would they have been stream of subconscious flotsam and jetsam serving no purpose?

Your stove and oven hold the most powerful prosperity energy within the system of Feng Shui.  Always keep your stove top sparkling, your oven clean and make sure everything is working properly. If when you are working at your stove, your back is to a door – keep a heavy, cast iron pan on one of the burners to ‘hold’ the energy in place.

An ideal kitchen situation has you facing into the kitchen, and its guests, while you are cooking. How many of us have that? Almost no one – unless you have an island stove.  Western kitchens are almost exclusively designed to put your back to the kitchen.  You can place a small mirror or piece of reflective art over your stove to direct your energy back into the room.